I heard Anne Lamott on the radio this week. I only caught the last 10 minutes of the interview but it was worth hearing. I hope to listen to the entire interview another time. Anne has been given such a gift of grace along with the ability to minister it to others. It just flows from her. After only 10 minutes I felt as if I had been embraced and soothed and warmed. I almost fell asleep right there in the parking lot. It was wonderful.
My daughters love her books, mostly, I think, because she seems so accepting, so unjudgmental, so unlike their mother. I know at least some of my grown children feel that there is some kind of hierarchy of love and approval in our family, and fear that they will earn less-favored nation status in our eyes if they make choices we disagree with. And I struggle with their perceptions. As a parent who loves each child infinitely, but who is nonetheless happy with some of their choices and grieved about others. I ask myself, "Why am I not more like Anne Lamott? Should I be more like Anne Lamott? Is it always bad to make judgments? Why do they feel like I am judging them when I try so hard not to?
I think the answers must be tied up somehow with the different roles that parents play in children's lives over time. My young adult children still remember me as the one who set the rules and the standards, and who tried to enforce them. I am the one who taught them what is good and what is wrong. I am the one who disciplined them when they transgressed, who praised them when they did well. I am the one who built hedges about them to keep them away from things they were not yet ready to deal with. I did not talk to them like Anne Lamott does because I was parenting them. ("Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father?" Hebrews 12:7 ) And they do remember what I taught them; they know what I believe even if I never speak a word about it again.
As I tried to reconcile myself with Anne Lamott, I thought about the Old Covenant and the New Covenant. When my children were young I gave them the commandments and disciplined them when they disobeyed or fell short. I set the standard high, and tried to engrave it upon their hearts with my imperfect stylus. I wanted them to know when they were doing right and when they were doing wrong, all with the hope that one day they would order their own lives according to the Truth when I was no longer there to make them outwardly conform. And when they grew up they were no longer under the/my law. The New Testament writers spent a lot of time explaining that concept to the church. It's not easy to understand how the God of the Old Testament and the God of the New Testament are the same person. It's hard to change your way of thinking. We all struggle to reconcile law and grace.
Whether my adult children realize it or not, I do understand our relationship has changed. What I once owed them, I owe them no longer. What they once owed me, they owe me no longer. All we owe one another now is to love one another, to pray for one another and to offer forgiveness and grace to each other when we need it. And we all need it often. We stand together before God and before the cross. We are no longer in the same relationship we were previously, and we all need to understand that.
I think there may still be hope for me to become more like Anne Lamott. I only wish I could write half as well.
My daughters love her books, mostly, I think, because she seems so accepting, so unjudgmental, so unlike their mother. I know at least some of my grown children feel that there is some kind of hierarchy of love and approval in our family, and fear that they will earn less-favored nation status in our eyes if they make choices we disagree with. And I struggle with their perceptions. As a parent who loves each child infinitely, but who is nonetheless happy with some of their choices and grieved about others. I ask myself, "Why am I not more like Anne Lamott? Should I be more like Anne Lamott? Is it always bad to make judgments? Why do they feel like I am judging them when I try so hard not to?
I think the answers must be tied up somehow with the different roles that parents play in children's lives over time. My young adult children still remember me as the one who set the rules and the standards, and who tried to enforce them. I am the one who taught them what is good and what is wrong. I am the one who disciplined them when they transgressed, who praised them when they did well. I am the one who built hedges about them to keep them away from things they were not yet ready to deal with. I did not talk to them like Anne Lamott does because I was parenting them. ("Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father?" Hebrews 12:7 ) And they do remember what I taught them; they know what I believe even if I never speak a word about it again.
As I tried to reconcile myself with Anne Lamott, I thought about the Old Covenant and the New Covenant. When my children were young I gave them the commandments and disciplined them when they disobeyed or fell short. I set the standard high, and tried to engrave it upon their hearts with my imperfect stylus. I wanted them to know when they were doing right and when they were doing wrong, all with the hope that one day they would order their own lives according to the Truth when I was no longer there to make them outwardly conform. And when they grew up they were no longer under the/my law. The New Testament writers spent a lot of time explaining that concept to the church. It's not easy to understand how the God of the Old Testament and the God of the New Testament are the same person. It's hard to change your way of thinking. We all struggle to reconcile law and grace.
Whether my adult children realize it or not, I do understand our relationship has changed. What I once owed them, I owe them no longer. What they once owed me, they owe me no longer. All we owe one another now is to love one another, to pray for one another and to offer forgiveness and grace to each other when we need it. And we all need it often. We stand together before God and before the cross. We are no longer in the same relationship we were previously, and we all need to understand that.
I think there may still be hope for me to become more like Anne Lamott. I only wish I could write half as well.
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