I was thinking this morning as I pushed my empty grocery cart back to the curb that God is giving me what I have said I wanted - a chance to live out what I claim to believe. I have written about that desire many times, and spoken it in my heart over and over. I have made choices which have involved a certain amount of renunciation, a willingness to take some risks and to allow God to change my life in some pretty big ways. I have said "yes" to moving my family across the world, "yes" to adopting two Ethiopian orphans. I have felt as if I were giving up my life for the gospel, to do those things that Jesus said His followers should do. I have felt willing. But I realized this morning that I have been exercising faith as I chose those paths; now I need to exercise faith on a path I would never have chosen. I cannot imagine choosing cancer if God gave me the chance. I would have moved to Somalia, adopted ten more kids, given away all my money before I would have chosen cancer. But I was not given the choice. God chose it for me. This time when I give up my life as I know it, it is not of my own volition, and I don't like it. I realize how different this is, and how much greater faith it requires.
I have been reading James 1 and Hebrews 12 a lot lately, Hebrews 12 exhorts us to "fix our eyes on Jesus, " a great corrective for me when I over and over fix my eyes on the mirror, to see if the swelling in my face is growing more noticeable, or fix my eyes on the computer screen reading chilling acounts in cold, clinical speech about the destruction various kinds of cancer can wreak. James 1 reminds me of the purpose of trials - that they are not tests to assess how much faith I already possess, but testings to produce patience and perseverance in me. By definition both of those qualities require time, not haste, uncertainty and effort, not obvious happy endings. If I knew this would all turn out the way I want it to, I could not learn patience or perseverance through it.
So here I am in the place I never wanted to be, and the timing seems horrible. My daughter is getting married in less than three months. Will I be able to attend her wedding? Will my face be swollen and disfigured from a recent surgery? Will I still have both my eyes? Will I be in the middle of radiation or chemotherapy treatment? I don't know. God knows.
